It's time we started celebrating what it is that makes this country out-fucking-standing. Now is the time to start running in the streets with 2x4's in one hand and an American flag in the other screaming the battlecry of one "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. I've decided to stand in the vanguard of this movement and present to you all a set of guidelines to plan your own election night party. If some of you are saying, "Jess, election day was yesterday. Isn't this a little late?" then I urge you to remember that, as an American, procrastination is my birthright. So unless you want a Jim Duggan 2x4 to the face, just sit back and listen.

It's important to remember that an election party takes a lot of time to put together so you'll probably want to clear your schedule for that second Tuesday in November. Give the dog to the neighbors, skip all your classes, don't shower, tivo The Price is Right.......and oh yeah, don't vote.

On the big day you'll need to be sure to prepare plenty of red and blue jello shots, the stronger the better. Also, decorate the house with the same colors and if at all possible secure a live elephant, a live donkey and train them to box. Be sure to purchase a number of cheap red and blue ties from a thrift store, Gabriel Brothers, or by mugging the entire student senate the day before.

Upon your guests arrival, have them sign in as either republican or democrat. (No you can't be independent, you communist.) Dems get blue ties while the republicans get red ones. Each party will also elect a leader who will be the spokesperson throughout the night's festivities. The ideal setting would be a presidential election year, but anything from the senate to the governor to the local school board will suffice. The rules are simple. Each time a party wins a race, the winning party's leader makes a toast and everyone takes a shot.

Also, if a party happens to lose control of congress on this particular election, then the losing party's leader will be beaten with a cane, just like Sen. Charles Sumner in 1856. Sorry if it seems extreme, but the goal is to be as historically accurate as possible.

At the end of the night, whichever party lost the most races hands over their ties and they are burned in a ceremonial fashion......the ties, not the people. When it's all said and done you should have loveless marriages and multiple wounds from the backstabbing...if not, then go murder an intern. God bless America.