For every hour in class an Ohio University student should spend two hours studying out of class.

Bullshit.

This is the phrase that is pounded in our ears when we arrive at precollege, when we go through those first few days of freshman orientation, and when our mothers decide to recite the letters they periodically receive from the Dean. However this information simply refuses to manifest itself in our brains. We coast through 10 weeks of classes without a worry in the world. We easily find things to do instead of starting to read the 20 or so chapters we need to thoroughly understand before that dreaded test at the end of the quarter that must not be named. The test I'm talking about is, of course, a final. (Shriek)

As all of us know at this point a final in college is typically worth around 40% of your final grade if not MORE. Naturally, we're required to take around 4 of them in one week. This week is one saturated with despair and dread for the college student. This is the week that adderall addictions blossom and coffee makers blow fuses. Throughout the duration of this week you will take part in no socialization or anything remotely close to it. You will drudge around your hall just staring at the other zombified classmates who are feeling the same pain you are but simply cannot muster the strength to vocalize as such. Yes, the present is grim and the future even grimmer.

I wish there was some Asian, herbal remedy I could supply to circumvent this aberration of post-adolescent living; but alas, I cannot. However there are some things you can do to provide a small reprieve from its grasp. In the words of numerous, mediocre sportscenter anchors..."you can't stop it, you can only hope to contain it."

One thing that can put the mind at ease is the growth of a "finals beard." For any hockey fans out there, this is similar to a playoff beard only not as fun. As soon as you leave your last class...stop shaving. It's that simple. It might sound like nothing, but let me tell you....um...it is. At least this way, inbetween study sessions, you'll have something to stroke besides.....well.....you'll have something to stroke. Plus, you can keep extra food in it for late night cram sessions. Women may protest, "I can't grow a beard!" Of course this doesn't mattter as women don't go to college anyway. They only go to nurse and secretary school inbetween pregnancies. What? They repealed that law? My bad.

Another little thing that can introduce a little joy into your seemingly pointless existance is black tar heroin. Keep in mind that this should only be used in extreme situations. Like ones where you have 2 finals over the course of 3 days. Or when you realize you never bought the text book. Or when you realize that you actually WERE enrolled in that class. Getting it shouldn't be too tough either. From what I gather, all you have to do is know a guy who knows a guy. Happy shooting!

Finally, music is basically a must for any college student. During finals week, it's your lifeblood. Take the time to create a "feel good" playlist. The songs on this list don't even have to be socially acceptable, they just have to make you dance like an 80 year old grandmother whose had too much gin at her grandson's wedding. In other words, guilty pleasures. Here's my feel good list for this quarter....

1. "September" by Earth, Wind, and Fire
2. "Me and Bobby McGee" by Janis Joplin
3. "Blinded by the Light" by Manfred Mann's Earth Band
4. "Doo Wop" by Lauryn Hill
5. "Duke of Earl" by The Four Tops
6. "America" by Neil Diamond
7. "Dancing in the Moonlight" by Toploader
8. "Your Love is Lifting Me Higher" by Jackie Wilson

For those of you who may be wondering...yes, that last song IS the song that made the statue of liberty come alive in Ghostbusters II. If it's good enough bring justice incarnate to life, then you can be damn sure it'll help you remember your Econ notes.

Use this information wisely, and remember that we're all in this together.