My legs are tired and weary. My wit has somehow been sharpened by the numerous family events, more and more of which I'm finding require alcohol to withstand. My stomach is growing impatient with the sudden and overwhelming influx of turkey, chocolate, egg nog, and various other pleasantries. I stand before you, having survived the holidays, victorious.

Thanksgiving brought about the infamous Turkey Bowl, a flag football game where the family's older men take on the more youthful with a vigor that only a 50 year old man wearing sweatpants, gardening gloves, and a doo-rag can possess. The heavily favored college students emerged the victor in Turkey Bowl III, leaving the score.... Jess 1 Holidays 0

Jeff East reminds us that there is life after 40, and it rocks.

Although nothing is as menacing as a motivated Jeff East, the lengthy, purgatory-like period between Thanksgiving and Christmas presented many of its own challenges. One of which was working. Although I seemed to be making plenty of money at the time, my bank account seems to be none the wiser. This can only be accounted to Christmas gifts, money spent on insurance deductables, and booze. Oh booze, I can never stay mad at you for long.... Jess 1 Holidays 1

Hell yeah, Kyle. Hell yeah.

Next came the big one. It was Christmas time and the stakes were high. No one knew this more than myself and had to find a way to hold the highly anticipated Hullabaloo 2. I was unable to match last year's effort but we were able to have a mini-Hullabaloo at Stevo's. The judges voted to rule this one a draw by a count of 6 yes, 6 no, and 1 abstention. (The Israeli judge didn't vote as he was Jewish and didn't feel comfortable deciding the fate of someone else's holiday. Regardless of your religious belief, the score remained... Jess 1 Holidays 1)

Timmy Thompson and Brian Nicholson say "Merry Fucking Christmas."

As far as this reporter/blogger/self-appointed scribe is concerned, gifts received should count for something and that's why they get their own section. This year I was the lucky recipient of a patent-leather basketball with "Turtledove" enscribed on it. Turtledove is a nickname given to me and nobody even knows where it came from. It should also be mentioned that I never play basketball and averaged 0.32 points a game in pee-wee hoops. I also recieved a genuine, real-deal cowboy hat. I don't think I have to say much to make you understand that this was the greatest Christmas ever. Nothing functional, just shit that makes you crack up everytime you look at it. These are things I've always wanted to buy, but feel too guilty to actually spend money on. Well thanks to Jesus, Commercialism, and the American way I am the proud owner of both. Our hero jumps out ahead.... Jess 2 Holidays 1

We had reached the final event and I needed to take this one to stop the Holidays from forcing a "Sudden Death Kwanzaa Overtime." Luckily, New Years is an occasion that celebrates nothing but drinking. The holidays were dead in the water...and they knew it. Making our way to a party we were invited to because we had crashed a party the night before, my spirits were high and those around me were in step. As it turns out, the hostess of the party is in a neck-brace. There are people who would find this to be a downer. Fuck those people. I found this pleasantly funny and proceeded to have a great time with friends, both old and new... (because I just met them in a drunken stupor.) Jess 3 Holidays 1

Mike Repasky tells the Holidays to fuck off, because I just won.

It was a match that was billed as the "Bender in December" and for those who followed it in its entirety, it did not disappoint. Of course, if you did follow it in its entirety then you are a stalker and you should be disappointed anyway...because this is an overly anti-climactic ending to 6 weeks of stealthily following me around. I hope this teaches you a lesson....Stalky McStalkerson.