They'll never take his freedom OR Why I have an unhealthy obsession with Mel Gibson

I can't lie about this anymore. I have utterly infatuated with everything that involves this Mel Gibson DUI story. I know it's wrong. I know it will hurt my standing among my peers. I simply don't care.

Over the past few days I've thought of little else. I've noticed myself watching shows such as Extra, Entertainment Tonight and E! News. (On an aside, 3 years ago Kevin Frazier was hosting NBA Shootaround on ESPN. Now he's the point man, alongside Mary Hart, for Entertainment Tonight. What kind of horrible, life-altering sequence of events led to that?) All this tele-tabloid exposure as dragged me to a new low of humanity.

Mom: Hey Jess, about that broken window from your party this weekend...
Entertainment Tonight: And now we go live to Kevin Frazier who is outside Mel Gibson's Malibu estate...
Jess: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOT NOW!

It's beginning to place a strain on the household.


However, it's also enlightened me as to the identity of the best tabloid anchors in the biz. An enlightment I wish to share with you, here.

1. Billy Bush- Seen on the ever-popular Extra, Bush is what I would consider a dynamo. Youthful, vibrant and credible, Billy Boy is on pace to become the Walter Cronkite of tabloid news. Also, he was the host of the short-lived resurrection of Let's Make A Deal. It should be a long and prosperous life under the Bush dynasty. Something someone with that last name rarely gets to say.

2. Maria Menounos- Stabled in the powerhouse that is Access Hollywood, Maria is the queen of Billy Bush's kingdom. An alumnus of the high-school oriented Channel One News, Maria is drop dead gorgeous and uses a plateful of healthy cleavage to get the story. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what we refer to as an unstoppable force.

3. Pat O'Brien- The wiley, old veteran has proven one thing in his epic career: In the event of nuclear holocaust, you can count on him to dish the dirt on the celebrity royalty of the cockroach world. He simply REFUSES to die. Hair slicked back out of his ridiculously tanned face which bears a suave, pencil-thin mustache, O'Brien can report scandal or sell you a shitty used car. Knock him all you want, but the man survived a sex scandal the size of Mark McGrath's poor career choices and still has the gumption to visciously spread everyone else's dirty little secrets. It's so dispicable, it's applaudable. Besides, he's riding into the sunset with Mary Hart as the current "elder council," if you will. He's like your grandpa that just does whatever he wants. What are you going to tell him? No?

Those are the top three. I could go on into a top ten, but that would simply embarrass myself even more than I already have.

You can all go to hell.